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Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Heart hangs heavy tonight...

Well, first off I am updating this from my iPhone on a tiny screen, so I apologize for any misspellings or sections that don't make sense. It's relatively hard to see. :)

I am sitting up here at Riley with Zion. To be brutally honest, it sucks. The best and worst parts about it are that Zion is the one laying connected to machine after machine after machine. I hate SMA and the trouble it brings him...yet his strength is a source of inspiration, and when I get depressed over it all he renews my hope and brings me peace. He is my gift straight from little piece of Heaven on earth. Pneumonia and the flu for him...yet he remains resilient, and he is kicking their butts. We should get to come home tmo if he keeps his fever down and continues to improve.

My heart also weighs heavy over my situation in life. I am 26, divorced, and oftentimes lonely. God provides though. My friends and family are amazing. I never have to worry about a lack of support. I'm blessed to have parents who still provide for me and ensure a need is never unmet. My aunt and my parents kept Zoe so I could be here for Zion tonight...I truly will never be able to repay all my family does for me. I have came to the conclusion that I have no friends...just family. Just ask my kids...uncle Robbie...uncle Cody...they are my brothers now not friends. Even my cousins I consider brothers...uncle Kyle, uncle Nate, uncle Nick. I'm just blessed. Tonight, in a hospital room that is all too familiar to me and my son, I sit reflecting on my past and am thankful for the good and the bad. My Pocahontas will come someday, and eventually my wolf pack will grow lol. Until then I will continue to embrace my children and the relationship I have with them. It's a difficult thought to think of bringing another person into the hardships that inevitably come with sharing my life with another. I fear Zion will not always reign victorious over his condition...and its really hard to find someone who can comprehend the mental and emotional toll this brings upon me. However, I believe in love, and that the perfect woman is out there. One that will love my kids on the same level I do. A woman who will understand why she will never possess my heart as they do. A woman who I can see myself growing old with, and who is capable of handling the stress of SMA. The hardest thing is inviting someone who I will care about to be a part of a loss as intense as what could's just hard. I dont think God intended for me to battle this all alone, but I also know that right now this is how my life is meant to be. Things dont work out for a reason, and I know with 100% certainty that while this is difficult, it would be worse if I were still with their mother. I seem like such a pessimist, but I have found this is an outlet that I need...a way to release the stresses my heart cannot contain. There are reasons that 26 doesn't fit me...this is a part of it. With that said, I wouldn't trade anything for my life. Not too many people know their purpose in life...their true calling...and while I haven't found all of my calling in life I have found the majority of it. My kids need me, and I need them. I was lost before I had them, but now, I'm found. :)

Goodnight for now.

Much Love,

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